96: I didn’t get the grant

April 14, 2016
Ronan Noone

I didn’t get the grant I wanted and if I did it would mean I wouldn’t have had to teach as much so I wouldn’t have had to worry about the money I needed to keep things going, which, ultimately, means I won’t be able to write as much as I wanted. Money buys the time to have the space for silence. In that space you can focus and commit without interruption to the art.  Now I can wallow in my grant grief and curse the sky or I can shift my perception on that narrative and find time to write anyway.

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I, too, did not get the grant I was hoping to get this year. It was one that I thought for sure I would get, to the point of almost “planning on it”. It was one where only three hundred or so applicants tried and they give out 12 grants. I basically had a 1 in 25 chance. It would have meant I could have retired early and simply scrimped until I turned 62 and then coasted till my death. I would have been able to paint all day long and try to get into galleries and shows. I already had bagged a show for 2017 and was hoping the grant could fund some of the expense.

Now I’m concentrating on my show. I’m no longer in grant grief. But sometimes, just sometimes, it sort of nips at my conscious and reminds me of what could have been.

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